Communication Tools: “I statements”
It is inevitable that at some point in our lives a person will make you angry, frustrated, sad, disappointed and so on. In these moments, we have the opportunity to stay silent and build resentment or we can use strategies to effectively communicate how we are feeling. Typically, we use “you-statements” to describe what happened. For example, “you made me so frustrated.” These statements tend to focus on blame and create defensiveness. Instead, we can use “I statements” that allow for us to take responsibility for how we feel, and think while the other person can understand how their actions impact others. For example, “I feel frustrated when you tell me what to do. I would prefer it if you would let me try to do the project first, and then I can ask for help.”
Follow the simple formula below to develop “I-statements.”
I feel…. State how you are feeling
When you… state the specific action, words or behavior
The story I am telling myself… take responsibility for how you are interpreting the actions
I need/want/prefer…. State how the behavior might be adjusted for your needs
Example:
I feel hurt when you show up late to all the plans we make together. The story I am telling myself is that I am not important enough for you to show up on time. I would prefer if you let me know ahead of time if you’re going to be late so I can adjust accordingly.
Written by: Quin Brundney, Intern